Once I met a very frustrating man who insisted (loudly) that he was one of a special few who could see time cyclically. I really couldn’t see what he was throwing such a fuss about (meaningless technical drivel) but he was getting pretty intense about the fact that a year was a cyclical thing and he saw 365 days moving in a circle instead of in a straight line.
“Time is cyclical,” he said, “and most people don’t see that but I do since I have a rare genetic disorder.”
Since he was also wearing Chacos and hadn’t taken the time to trim his toenails, I had a hard time taking him very seriously. I never take anyone seriously if they haven’t trimmed their nails. And anyway, time is a very linear thing, you know? At some point I was born, and now twenty-three years later I’m still around, and all that’s going to happen is that I’m going to get older. Not younger. My life ain’t going to circle around. It’ll keep on going till it stops. It won’t be a ring, it’ll be a line.
I even took the time to research what this guy was trying to say. For the life of me I couldn’t even figure out what to google so eventually I typed in genetic ability to see time cyclically. The first result was Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome from a Genetics Home Reference website, so scratch that. Next I googled weird guys who can see time move in a circle and the first result was something about Mitt Romney. This guy obviously wasn’t ol’ Romz, so scratch that. Next I googled does time move in a circle or a straight line and the first result was some yoga nut talking about how our thoughts move through “time differentials” like our nerve pulses through our spine.
I did a lot of research, I mean like nearly 4 entire Google searches. And I couldn’t find anything out about people seeing time go in a circle. Thing is, this encounter has been bothering me for months. All I know for sure is to never trust a man who hasn’t trimmed his toenails.
Your toenails grow linearly, dude. Not cyclically. They aren’t going to ungrow, bro.